Take a minute to picture a charismatic person in your life. Maybe it’s your former boss who could command a conference room in seconds, or that one friend who drinks in every word you say, making you feel truly seen. You might assume these people are just born captivating, but that’s a myth, Ulrich Jensen, PhD, an associate professor of political science who studies leadership at Arizona State University, tells SELF. “Charisma is a specific set of stylistic expressions you can build into your communication,” Dr. Jensen, who studies the character trait, says. “It’s something we can teach people.”
But charisma is a lot more than just being liked, Dr. Jensen explains—it can actually *move* those around you. Back in 2023, his team analyzed 350 speeches from 50 US governors between February and May 2020 who talked about what people needed to do to stay safe during the pandemic. The more charismatic behaviors they displayed in their talks, the more likely people would heed the advice to stay indoors. “They’re thought of as more trustworthy, more competent,” he adds. (Just for the record, their team defined ‘charismatic behaviors’ as words, phrases, or sentences that projected a strong, central message with moral conviction, and used plenty of metaphors, analogies, and rhetorical questions to make the listener super engaged.)
The best part, Dr. Jensen says, is that you can take those same traits that make politicians influential and map them onto your own life—say, in an attempt to get hired at a job fair or to win over your partner’s family at Thanksgiving dinner. Here’s how to charismatically rock any scary, new social situation with confidence, even if you’re a little shy.
Figure out “your story” for introductions.
Most people tend to define charisma as how a person speaks or positions their body, Dr. Jensen says. While that might be true to some extent, it’s really just “the tip of the iceberg,” he notes: You could have a strong, smooth speech cadence, firm handshake, and excellent posture, but if what you’re saying doesn’t have intrinsic value, you’re going to lose whoever you’re talking to. He uses Barack Obama (widely considered to be one of the more charismatic US presidents) as an example: “If you look at him standing on a stage speaking at a rally, he is very muted in his nonverbal communication.”
What makes the former president and those like him so compelling, Dr. Jensen says, is that they have a valuable message to share. And just because you’re not trying to win an election, doesn’t mean you don’t have one too. “One of the most important ways you can be more charismatic is to think about how you want to present yourself to others,” Dr. Jensen explains. “Think about something that’s a really interesting fact about yourself, then, think strategically about how you can couch that into a short, one-minute story when you’re introducing yourself.”
The important part, Dr. Jensen says, is that you should convey something that shows your core values. His go-to, for example, is telling people that he moved from Europe to the US with nothing but a backpack. “Now I’m married to a wonderful woman here, I have a little son, and I love my life,” he says. “I use it to illustrate something about me, which I think is that I am a courageous person.” Dr. Jensen notes that he’ll also try to inject some humor and vulnerability into the tale, two things that can help a listener be more engaged with your story. For example, he’ll share that the A/C in his new hometown, Phoenix, was broken upon arrival in 100-degree weather, and he’ll pose questions along the way (e.g. things as simple as, “Guess what happened next?”), while emphasizing the entertaining parts for dramatic effect.
Lean on the kind of charisma that best suits your strengths.
Sure, people who have je ne sais quoi naturally draw you in—but if you put two charming folks in the same room, the way they act will be worlds apart. “The question is what kind of charisma works best for you, your personality, your brain,” Olivia Fox Cabane, author of The Charisma Myth, tells SELF. “It’s really a question of finding the secret sauce of what will make you shine and understanding that charisma is actually less about how people feel about you and more how you make them feel about themselves.”
She likes to separate a person’s charisma type into three categories: power, warmth, or, presence. For example, she says, those who exude power could probably take charge and quickly get a bunch of people out of a burning building if needed. Individuals who lead with warmth, on the other hand, might be incredibly empathetic, Cabane adds, giving the Dalai Lama as an example. A person who’s really present, she notes, will make a 30-second interaction feel really deep and meaningful. “Bill Clinton was famous for that,” she explains. “He would make you feel like you were the only person in existence.”
Here’s how to know which one you fit into: “When you’re interacting with people, is it easy for you to stay focused on what they’re saying throughout the conversation?” Cabane asks. “That’s high presence, because most brains have a tendency to wander from the conversation.” (So, in this case, really leaning into others’ stories, as opposed to giving out a bunch of yours, might be ideal.) If you’re someone who’s naturally self-confident, that’s power, Cabane says. If that feels like the right fit, maybe you can *really* refine your personal story because you’re likely to capture people’s attention quickly. And “if you tend to be naturally compassionate and empathetic, that’s warmth,” she adds. So for example, if you’d like to ooze that type of charisma, maybe you identify sensitive parts in the conversation and respond with genuine emotion.
Prime yourself to be more confident.
As Cabane explains, there are a few things you can do right before a gathering that can make you feel a lot more confident—and that starts with how you get dressed. “Make sure you’re going to be physically comfortable,” she tells SELF. “People react to your body language first and your words second or third, so it’s important to be comfortable.”
She says it’s helpful to tap into something she calls visualization, otherwise referred to as imagery, which is a performance improvement technique often used by athletes. “Your mental state is everything, because whatever is in your mind, your body will then manifest,” she explains. This is how it works: First, think back to a time when you were either super confident, someone in your life was incredibly proud of you, or you “felt most alive,” Cabane says. Basically, she notes, it lights up parts of your brain that’ll help prime you for success in whatever you’re about to do. “It’ll get the right body language pouring out of you—that’s how you walk into the room,” Cabane adds.
Don’t panic if you get a little resurgence of imposter syndrome just before or during your event, Cabane says. But remember that’s natural for pretty much everybody. “It is really one of the most common feelings,” she explains, noting that getting a handle on it is important because “you cannot be charismatic if you’re beating yourself up at the same time.” To get past it, Cabana says, it’s helpful to think of a time a loved one praised you. “That’s one of the visuals you can use to get self-compassion flowing through your brain, which translates to your body,” she explains. (Here are a few more ways to actually be kinder to yourself.)
Importantly, Dr. Jensen and Cabane agree that charismatic people aren’t necessarily extroverts. Laurie Helgoe, PhD, an author and clinical psychologist, coaches execs on how to project charisma and power in the workplace—but specifically for introverts.
She says it’s wise to accept that social situations can be tough for just about anyone. “Sometimes it helps to acknowledge when you’re doing something for someone you love, or because it’s your job,” Dr. Helgoe notes. “There’s this automatic association between socializing and having fun, but that’s not the case for a good chunk of the population.” Basically, charisma can help you gain a little more influence when it counts. However, don’t fret too hard about being amazing at it—again, as Dr. Jensen noted earlier, your values and ideas count for everything. People will be able to spot that straight away, dazzling demeanor or not.
Related:
How to Love Yourself For Real, According to Therapists How to Stop Completely Spiraling Every Time You Receive a Little Criticism What to Do If Your People-Focused Job Completely Drains Your Social Battery
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