by Team Scary Mommy

PhotoAlto/Frederic Cirou/Getty Images

Life can be hard sometimes, but a little humor goes a long way. And for some of us, that means digging into the deepest, darkest pits of our minds to drum up a few laughs. For those who appreciate twisted humor, nothing’s quite as hilarious as dark jokes. Whether they’re inappropriate and dirty, majorly dripping in shock value, or just so ridiculous that it’s as though George Costanza and Larry David thought them up on the spot, they’re basically the antihero of jokes.

There’s nothing wrong with a bit of dark humor, of course. In fact, you’re not alone in seeking it out. According to the latest search data, dark jokes are searched for nearly 64,000 times per month.

Still, it’s essential to know your friend group and how to read the room. These may not be the jokes you bust out in front of your co-workers or in-laws. However, your equally demented besties may be on board. Telling dark jokes is a gamble, but you may just find your people if you take the risk and let your macabre sense of humor shine (except at work).

The ultimate goal, however, is to bring some levity into our lives. The following zingers may turn your veins black, but they’ll definitely make you laugh so damn hard. Sorry, not sorry (but really, sorry). Warning: These aren’t child-friendly jokes.

Astutely, Albeit Darkly, Observational

1. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
2. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet? None. Historians have suggested most pirates would have been illiterate.
3. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
4. They tell you that you should just say no to drugs… but if I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
5. Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.
6. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
7. I visited my friend at his new house, and he told me to make myself at home. So, I threw him out! I hate having visitors.
8. What’s yellow and can’t swim? A dead goldfish.
9. What’s the difference between jelly and jam? You can’t jelly a clown into a tiny car.
10. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
11. What’s the difference between a dinosaur and a lump of coal? Sixty million years.
12. Remember: Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
13. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
14. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
15. A major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Self-Deprecating Dark Jokes

1. “Siri, why am I still single?!” *Siri activates front camera.*
2. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
3. It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
4. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
5. I’m not completely useless; I can always serve as a bad example.
6. I hope death is a woman. That way it will never look at me twice.
7. Cremation: my final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
8. I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much… but I’m not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
9. Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost along the way… and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
10. My boss says I’m preoccupied with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
11. My boss said, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?” I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
12. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
13. I told my psychiatrist that I’d been hearing voices. He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
14. I have many jokes about unemployed people. Sadly, none of them work.
15. Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you, but if you donate five kidneys, they call the police?

Truly Macabre Dark Jokes

1. Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick.
2. What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 miles per hour? Its butt.
3. Patient: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?” Doctor: “To the morgue.” Patient: “What? But I’m not dead yet!” Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”
4. Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
5. When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepared their chicken. “Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
6. My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
7. My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good that I didn’t even care.
8. The cemetery is so overcrowded. People are just dying to get in.
9. What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer’s funeral? Nothing.
10. Doctor: “I have good and bad news.” Patient: “Give me the good news first.” Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.” Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?” Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
11. I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.
12. They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
13. My buddy died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
14. Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.
15. A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”

Just Plain Twisted

1. What did the cow say to the leather chair? “Hi, Mom!”
2. Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
3. I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
4. Man: “I work with animals.” Woman: “That’s so sweet. I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?” Man: “I work in the butcher shop up the street.”
5. Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face-off in the corner.
6. I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
7. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my husband about it… then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
8. Never break someone’s heart. They only have one. Break their bones instead — they have 206 of them.
9. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
10. Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He’s all right now.
11. Imagine walking into a bar and seeing a long line of people waiting to hit you. That’s the punch line.
12. Woman: I sent my husband to the store for potatoes and he was hit by a car. Friend: That’s horrible! What are you going to do now? Woman: I dunno. Probably rice.
13. An apple a day keeps the doctor away… Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
14. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
15. Want to know how to make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it 23 times.

Dark Jokes About Family Dynamics

1. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.
2. My parents raised me as an only child… it really pissed off my brother.
3. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
4. My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
5. My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
6. My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
7. My husband told me to do whatever makes me happy. I’m going to miss him.
8. I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you still holding the ladder?”
9. Today I went to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.
10. My wife wanted a marriage like a fairy tale. Fair enough — I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
11. What do you call headphones that walk out on their children? Deadbeats.
12. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
13. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
14. A kid burned down his family’s house. As they stood outside watching it go up in flames, the kid’s dad put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”
15. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

Just for Laughs

1. What did the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs say? “T. rex, I’m coming for my hug!”
2. The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.
3. What’s the difference between a hipster and a hockey player? A hockey player showers.
4. What do you do if you’re ever attacked by a gang of clowns? Go for the juggler.
5. What rhymes with “boo” and stinks? You.
6. Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
7. My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried — I think she’s jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf
8. When I was in the grocery store, I tripped, and a woman saw me. I turned to her and said, “Sorry, it’s been a while since I possessed a body.”
9. Don’t challenge death to a pillow fight unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
10. A woman walks into a magical forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree argues. “I’m a talking tree!” The woman responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
11. Did you hear about the Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.
12. How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
13. What’s a cannibal’s favorite song? “Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes.”
14. Happy 60th birthday! At last, you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!
15. The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.

This article was originally published on Oct. 7, 2019